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A fresh start goes down smoother with a little chocolate.

Well friends, quite a lot has happened since I last posted. And yet, curiously, it is all the same.

I lost ten pounds, I gained five back.

I practiced yoga every day, then stopped abruptly.

I ate clean, then binged on chocolate and bread for four days straight. Then I went vegan, then I went raw vegan. I ate 12 apples one day, I drank green smoothies, I ate an entire gluten free pizza (at least it was gluten free).

I hated my job, I tried to quit. I stayed, and still hate it.

We almost bought a house, then we decided not to and now we are buying a different one.

I wrote, I prayed, I cried a lot.

I quit drinking.

Are we seeing a theme yet? Perhaps its time for some transformation. Perhaps its about time to start a revolution. I am on the verge of making some big decisions that will absolutely change my life. And despite the tiny fingers of fear that grip me (especially late at night) I feel almost certain I will succeed.

But heres’s the thing about change and revolution and starting over and making big decisions that are going to change your life. It is really, really hard. I have read many, many books on self transformation and lots of books on getting healthy and how it’s just this giant epiphany that HAPPENS and you are just never ever tempted by that giant bag of peanut butter cups again. Or maybe you are but you just eat one this time.

Really? Has that happened to any of you? If so, bravo, I am so not there. Instead this transformation feels as though I am wandering through a maze of forest and behind every dark tree is some rabid beast who hasn’t eaten in a week and is hungry for my soul. Sound dramatic? Perhaps. Maybe it’s more like a vague nausea that permeates every moment of life, maybe it’s a dramatic sense of dread punctuated here and there with tiny specks of hope.

Maybe it’s just me here struggling.

But I get the sense that I am not the only one.

These morning glory muffins are transformative, and cheaper than a self help book!

Here is what I do know; I LOVE FOOD.

I love making it, I love talking about it, I love making things delicious that you wouldn’t think could be delicious because they are healthy and good for you. I like creating, I like watching my hands turns carrots and apples and spices into those delicious muffins pictured above (and yes, I will post the recipe and discuss their myriad of subtle tastes in a later post).

So that’s what I need to do, figure out a way that food = life, or rather food = enough-money-to-pay-the-mortgage.

With all the chaos and ugliness in the world i think we owe to ourselves and others to do what makes us happy. But not just us, do what cares for and nurtures and inspires others. That, my friends is the secret.

I think.

Well, at least I got it right tonight; green beans with lemon butter and maple and garlic glazed sockeye.